I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
