why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
