You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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