i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
