a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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