yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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