my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
