It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
