i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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