Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
