She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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