Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
