Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
