I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
