She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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