so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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