remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
