You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
