speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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