how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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