Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Welp...herpes.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
