I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
