dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
we should paint friendship bongs
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
