I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
