I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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