At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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