two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I think my fart just growled at me.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
