mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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