I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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