i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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