I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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