Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
