How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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