We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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