my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
