Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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