I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
