Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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