Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I have feelings that need drinking.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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