Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
