Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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