How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
