They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
