my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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