I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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