Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
