sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
