actually, I'm a sock model
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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