Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
