Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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